Analysis: The Mario Universe
by Tattle
Summary: The characters of the mushroom kingdom exposed!


Episode 1 of Analysis: Wario  
  
"And there sat Wario on the porch, hoping to get his meal. "I'ma hungry, a very hungry guy!""  
  
Wario is not your average kind of "guy". He has a a squiggly zig-zag mustach, all pure black, along with a blue eyeshadow. In fact, most of the children around the neighborhood found Wario to be a very scary individual. On holidays like Halloween, he'd purposely leave his house dark and undecorated so that when kids walked by, they couldn't see him waddle out behind them. Some witnesses at the scenes of this happening would explain it more like this: "Well, I was just walking further ahead to the next house, hoping to get some more candy. But suddenly, I hear some rustling in the bushes behind me, and this weirdo in purple overalls comes out and starts yelling gibberish at me. I walk a little faster, and he speeds up to. After a little, he starts licking his lips and mumbling at a high volume something that sounds like, "I'ma gonna eat ya!" Soon, I find myself back at home, having left my treats behind only to divert the creepy guy."  
  
On other occasions, Wario just sat down doing nothing but watching TV. Some people wonder if Wario even worked, exercised, or ate out using his own provisions. Some folks even claim that Wario resembles a gorilla late at night.  
  
"Well, here I am, rocking in my wooden chair I just gotten for Christmas, when I hear some howlin'. I look out da window to see if em' coyotes came back, but instead I see a funny stout man in my yard. He's holdin' a shovel and buryin' something while makin' animal noises and mumbling with an angry tone. I was about to call 911, when he spotted me, and ran into his garage, and closed it quickly. Now, when I see him at daytime, he gives me an angry glare!"  
  
We were convinced that Wario was a less-than healthy individual, and that he needed both analyzing and help. While we weren't sure on the statistics of Wario's speed and strength, we took precautions to get a well-built team wild-life handlers, and set off. Soon we reached the household, painted purple and built entirly of wood. And there sat Wario on the porch, hoping to get his meal. "I'ma hungry, a very hungry guy!" (At first we couldn't make out what he said, but specialists have confirmed his lines of speech to mean this) He quickly spotted us and darted for the garage. Luckily, one of our men had a tranquilizer ready, and shot Wario right on the leg. He tripped, but kept crawling for the garage, and soon hit a button to close it. We reached the barrier in time to prevent total cut off from Wario, and took him into the van.  
  
However, our trip soon took an interesting turn, as Wario woke up and headed stright for the back doors of the van. We felt the Van's exterior end wouldn't need to be locked, and Wario didn't need to be caged, do to humane idealisms. However, having no regard to where the car was or how fast it was going, Wario speared throught the back and hit the road with and short but load thud. We luckily were in the praking lot, and only had to simply drag him inside.  
  
Inside, Wario gained concionous inside a barried room, which had taken precautions not to let Wario gain any type of weaponery. We observed from a plastic-shielded window how Wario couped with being in a closed area. He quickly rushed for the door, banging and screaming widly to let him free. He started making rude gestures at us, and even tried to eat the barrier. Soon, he started to smile, and backed off towards the middle of the room. He slipped off one of his gloves, and revealed a concealed knife (The knife was most likely made of some other sharped material that isn't in realation to metal, as it did not set off the detectors). He started making stabbing motions at as, and cut himself a little. In blood, he wrote on the white wall, "COM 4 DINAR" as he continued to lick his lips. Then, he made a startling change of emotion to anger, as he ran widly at the door with his crimson face. The door actually gave, and he set off not to leave, but to find us.  
  
The security officers outside were have said to been stabbed repeatedly in the leg area, and with a streak said to be more plausable when knocked to the ground.  
  
"Yeah, the freak came at me with the knife and started laughing. I tried to watch his knife, but he threw his cap to the ground, and diverted my attention. Then, the little **** pushed me to the ground,cut my legs up good, and went at another guy. I just didn't understand it."  
  
Wario seemingly had searched the facitility throughly, leaving knife marks and crude comments on the walls. Most of the crew and occupants escaped the building safely except for Doctor R.D. Rockwell, who was busy studying in his room at the time. he was scheduled to examine Wario at 5:00 PM, but the change in events marked something else for him.  
  
"His room when we walked in was completely trashed, as if he'd actually struggled to survive. We looked to see if he was on the ground cut like the others, but we couldn't find him. Suddenly, one of us noticed that the ceiling was dripping blood, and we looked up to see not only that the Doc had been stabbed and impaled into the ceiling with one of his longer, sharper skeletal models, but that also a rather large piece of his leg had been bitten off."  
  
Sadly, this is where our report on Wario ends. While you may also be on quite a chilling note, we ask you to look out for the dangerous crazy-man known as Wario. His full description is of a stout-white male wearing a yellow cap depicting the letter "W." He also wears a yellow shirt, purple overalls, white gloves also depicting "W" and green shoes. His face is described to be semi wrinkled with big eyes having blue shadow and huge dark eye brows. His ears are pointed ears, brown hair, an oversized pink nose, wavy dark mustach, and a big chin. We thank you for any and all submissions in helping us catch this danger to society. Join us next time when we'll be analyzing a giant lizard that obsesses over capturing princesses. This isn't a bad movie, this is "Analysis". 


End file.
